Things Gryffindor House Are No Longer Allowed ToDo
by DoctorDan
Summary: Voldemort is not the top threat to the Wizarding World; Gryffindor House has him beat in spades!  These little hellions are kept safely away from the rest of the population, with a mere seven years available to make them safe to unleash upon the world...
1. Rules 1 to 30

I started this on Seel'vor's "seelvorfanfiction" Yahoo! Group. Credit for #43-45 goes to the inimitable **Lord of Bones**. I may also intersperse short vignettes extrapolating on some of the rules as separate chapters.

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**Things Gryffindor House Are No Longer Allowed to Do**

1. Testing the theory that cats always land on their feet by tossing Mrs. Norris off of the Astronomy Tower is not permissible.

2. Professor McGonagall's Animagus form is NOT excluded from the above rule.

3. Asking Argus Filch whether he considers himself to be "Mr. Norris" is not acceptable.

4. Even if he answers in the affirmative.

5. Especially if he answers in the affirmative.

6. Ms. Mun, threatening to make Cerberus bosin-tang will not endear Groundskeeper Hagrid to you.

7. Messers Weasley, quills are not to be used in that fashion. Ever.

8. Parchment is not an acceptable substitute for bog-rolls.

9. Especially not if you return them post-use to where you found them.

10. Even if it is Professor Snape's room.

11. Especially if it is Professor Snape's room. How did you break into his private quarters, anyway?

12. Mr. Potter, there is no such thing as 'The End of Line Clause', and it certainly does not entitle you to form your own harem.

13. Mr. Potter, put those girls back!

14. No, Mr. Weasley, you do not get a harem, either.

15. Miss Granger?

16. Under no circumstances are student harems allowed in within Hogwarts!

17. Miss Tonks, while I admit that you are no longer a student here, you are not allowed to be part of a Harem on Hogwarts property!

18. Nor are you allowed to be part of a harem with Hogwarts students, regardless of whether you are on school property or not.

19. Mr. Longbottom, you are not permitted to tell Miss Lovegood that 'snorkack' is a Ukranian euphemism for oral-anal intercourse.

20. Mr. Potter, you are not permitted to 'demonstrate' the above!

21. Not even if Miss Lovegood says 'pretty please'!

22. Mr. Jordan, under no circumstances are you to swing Mrs. Norris overhead by the tail.

23. The "Spin the Kitty" song is no longer allowed to be sung near Caretaker Filch.

24. Caretaker Filch's name is spelled with an 'i', not an 'e'.

25. Mr. Longbottom, it is not permitted to substitute anything for Professor Flitwick's tobacco.

26. Messers Weasley, you are not permitted to tell the First Years that the appropriate method of greeting a member of Slytherin House is, and I quote, 'A boot to da head'!

27. To whomever poured the purgative potion onto Headmaster Dumbledore's Lemon Drops, you have just cost Gryffindor House one hundred House Points. Oh, and the Headmaster sends his warmest thanks.

28. Mr. Finnegan, regardless of how much you personally admire Alastor Moody, hip flasks are not an acceptable addition to the Dress Code.

29. That had better be pumpkin juice in there, young man...!

30. Miss Granger, while your writing was thought-provoking, poignant, and clearly well-researched, I would like to point out that your subject of "1001 Reasons Why Draco Malfoy is a Mouth-Breathing, Inbred, Coprophagiac Pouf" is not in accordance with Term Paper guidelines.


	2. Rules 31 to 61

31. Regardless of whether the Examiner agrees.

32. Miss Bell, Miss Spinnet, Miss Johnson, while you have technically adhered to the letter of the rules in remaining fully clothed, charming your clothing to be transparent is strongly discouraged. Please change them back.

33. No, Mr. Potter, you may not register an objection to the above.

34. Ms. Patil, distributing full-colour illustrated copies of the "Kama Sutra" is not permissible, regardless of its 'Cultural Significance'.

35. Mr. Potter, need I remind you of Rule #33?

36. Mr. Longbottom, it is highly inappropriate to refer to Ms. Bones' breasts as 'Hufflepuppies'.

37. I don't care if she approved!

38. Mr. Potter, stripping is not an appropriate method of winning a duel with Miss Greengrass, regardless of whether it worked or not.

39. Miss Granger, Miss Bell, Miss Spinnet, Miss Lovegood, Miss Davis, Miss Greengrass, Miss Bones, Miss Abbot, while I admire your enthusiasm, orgies are not an acceptable expression of "Inter-House Unity". Don't you dare say a word, Mr. Potter.

40. Let it be known that whomever has convinced Mr. Weasley that Sugar Quills are made from real Owl Feathers will be expected to pay the veterinary bills from the resulting fallout.

41. Miss Granger, "The King In Yellow" and "The Necronomicon" do not exist. Please stop including them in your essay bibliographies.

42. On a related note, please stop referring to the Lake Squid as "Cthuley". You're frightening the First Years.

43. Ms Brown, you will not engage Ms Bones in a 'tit-off'. Not a word from you, Mr Potter.

44. Ms Brown, Ms Patil, Ms Granger, while I understand your enthusiasm and house spirit, that is not appropriate attire. 'If you've got it, flaunt it' is NOT an excuse.

45. What did I say about speaking, Mr Potter?

46. Mr. Potter, the term is 'Foreign Exchange Student', not 'Fornication Student'. Please return Miss Delacour to the upright position.

47. While I cannot technically take points for packaging an explosive dungbomb, writing "Do Not Press This Button! No, Really! You Really Oughtn't!" on it, and dropping it in the Slytherin Common Room, I don't feel that I need to point out that such an action is strongly discouraged, Messers Weasley.

48. Apparently, I do need to point it out.

49. Miss Granger, while I sympathise with your viewpoint re: the House Elves, it is not permissible to outfit them with weapons and urge them to "rise up against the oppressors".

50. Mr. Potter, you are hereby cautioned to never refer to Mrs. Malfoy as "MILFy" in the Great Hall again. On a related note, I would strongly recommend that you return the undergarments that she handed you, for young Mr. Malfoy's sake if nothing else. Madam Pomfrey is having a difficult time keeping the poor boy sedated.

51. Amendment to the above: No, Mr. Potter, you may not return them "with a deposit and interest"!

52. Mr. Thomas, while I am delighted to see that you have a healthy opinion of yourself, there is a dress code that all Hogwart's students must adhere to. One where clothing is not optional.

53. Miss Granger, I have no idea whether using a Time Turner to have sexual relations with yourself is incest or just extreme masturbation. Frankly, I don't want to think about it any longer. Keep your mouth shut, Mr. Potter!

54. Mr. Jordan, cannabis indica is most certainly NOT found in a standard Potions Kit.

55. Messers Weasley, I don't know where you got this bottle of Muggle Motor Oil, but I wouldn't advise replacing Professor Snape's shampoo with it anymore. Oh? No, he's not upset. I don't think he noticed, honestly...will you stop crying!

56. Mr. Longbottom, you are officially reprimanded for replacing Professor Binns' History Book with vintage pornography. Unofficially, I'd like to say how impressed I am with your ability to make a ghost have a frustration-related breakdown.

57. Mr. Potter, please stop using the terms "Chamber of Secrets" and "Basilisk" as euphemisms for the female and male genitalia, respectively.

58. No, Mr. Potter, it's pronounced FAWKes, not...oh, never mind.

59. Mr. Wood, while I appreciate your position, I cannot outright forbid other students from greeting you with "Morning, Wood". Nor can I give them detentions for laughing afterward.

60. Mr. Jordan, the reason behind Headmaster Dumbledore's magical power is not 'self-castration', and Madam Pomfrey would appreciate it if you would stop telling the Slytherins that. The poor woman is overworked enough as it is!

61. Miss Brown, "Goblet of Fire" is NOT a Euphemism for female Gonorrhea. But I would recommend that you see a Healer as soon as possible. You too, Mr. Weasley. And Messers Finnegan, Thomas, and Jordan.


	3. Rules 62 to 90

62. Mr. Potter, I would like to remind you that "Lord of the Sapphic Coven" is not one of the Career Choices Hogwarts is able to prepare you for.

63. Miss Granger, I would like to remind you that "Member of the Sapphic Coven" is not one of the Career Choices Hogwarts is able to prepare you for.

64. In order to save time, Rule #63 applies to EVERYONE.

65. Miss Weasley, please stop covering Mr. Diggory in glitter and calling him "Edward". He is beginning to look a bit twitchy.

66. Messers Weasley, while it pleases me to see Headmaster Dumbledore with a swagger in his walk and a spring in his step, please stop persuading the elves to add Sildenafil Citrate to the Headmaster's food. Nobody wants to think about that.

67. On a related note, please keep that sort of information to yourself, Mr. Creevey.

68. For the SEVENTH TIME, "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy does not belong in the History section of the Library. Also, Miss Granger, you are to stop referring to the Dementors as "Nazgûl". While the similarities are appreciable, it does not therefore imply that Sauron exists in the real world. As an aside, your "Cult of Melkor" is not a school-approved club. Please shut it down at once.

69. Mr. Potter, "Where my bitches at?" is not an appropriate greeting, regardless of who answered.

70. Miss Lovegood, while your goal of becoming the pre-eminent Wizarding couturier is an impressive one, it may prove to be unfeasible if you insist upon measuring only Mr. Potter's inseam.

71. Messers Weasley, your ingenuity never ceases to amaze. However, I must insist that you cease building this "Osterhagen Device". NOW.

72. Mr. Longbottom, you do NOT have the ability to 'cloud men's minds'. Please take off that silly cape at once. And it may be in your best interests to stop laughing wickedly until your puberty has run its course.

73. Your enthusiasm for Herbology aside, the term 'cross-pollination' is only applicable when both species involved are of the plant kingdom. For the love of all that is holy, please please PLEASE stop trying to create a Mimbulus Mimbletonia/Longbottom hybrid.

74. Mr. Thomas, "Pimpmaster General" is not a valid military rank. Kindly divest yourself of those medals at once.

75. Miss Bell, though I admire your enthusiasm, the fact of the matter is that "Face-sitting" is not an acknowledged school sport, and Mr. Potter most certainly does not have the school's approval to judge any contests pertaining to the act.

76. Mr. Weasley, you lack the organs required to enter the girl's showers. Unless you wish this fact to be remedied, I advise that you stay OUT of them.

77. Mr. Finnegan, your blood type is not 'Single-malt'. Please stop trying to correct this.

78. Mr. Potter, I will readily admit that your activities outside of school grounds are not subject to the staff's purview. In the future, however, I would appreciate it if Mrs. Malfoy and Miss Tonks did not enter the Great Hall during supper time to reclaim articles of clothing misplaced during, and I quote, "bisexual incestuous threesomes".

79. I don't care what Ideas that gives you, Miss Granger, you are not getting another time-turner!

80. Miss Granger, I don't know what this "Ee-Ecks-Pee" is you speak of, but killing helpless animals will not help you gain more of it. Stop that right now!

81. Nor do I care if you get an extra "Bonus Feat" per 'level'. What the devil is the matter with you, young lady?

82. I would like to remind all House Members that any spells called "Armageddon", "Meteo", "Ultima", "Ragnarok", or "Explosion" are expressly forbidden from being cast indoors.

83. Mr. Creevey, I most certainly will not call you "Deep-Throat Dennis" in class, regardless of whether the Headmaster approves.

84. No, Ms. Patil, you and your sister are not contractually obligated to 'simultaneously shag a certain seeker'. Kindly dress yourselves. Mr. Potter, my office. NOW.

85. Mr. Weasley...no. Just no. And leave that poor duck alone!

86. While it is admittedly effective in combat, Mr. Potter, your new spell has been classified as the Fourth Unforgivable. If you use it again, you will be thrown into Azkaban for life. What on earth possessed you to create an Anal Prolapse spell?

87. Mr. Thomas, you are forbidden from quoting from "I Am The Walrus" during Divination. As a result of Professor Trelawney's nervous breakdown, you have gained a week's detention and two hundred points for Gryffindor.

88. Mr. Longbottom, I assure you that nothing growing in the Greenhouses is suitable for smoking.

89. Mr. Jordan, it does not matter how many signatures you've obtained on your petition. There will be no "All-Female Mud Wrestling" School team.

90. No, not even if Beauxbatons students sign it as well.


	4. Rules 91 to 110

91. Mr. Jordan, your petition for the acceptance of your previous petition is denied. And I do not care how many signatures you have, it is NOT HAPPENING.

92. Miss Tonks, you are not allowed to use Mr. Potter as a 'naked teddy bear'.

93. Miss Tonks, you are not allowed to use Mr. Potter-Black as a 'naked teddy bear'.

94. Miss Tonks, you are not allowed to use Mr. Potter, Mr. Potter-Black, 'My Lord Black', 'My Lord Potter', 'My Lord Black-Potter', or any combination of names thereof in reference to the child of James and Lily Potter as a 'naked teddy bear'.

95. Miss Tonks, you are not allowed to use Miss Granger as a 'naked teddy bear', regardless of whether you have Mr. Potter's approval or not.

96. Miss Tonks, you are not allowed to use any Hogwarts student, whether male or female, as a 'naked teddy bear'. I cannot prevent you from doing so with Miss Delacour, however, but it is strongly recommended that you refrain from doing so while on school grounds.

97. Messers Weasley, while Slytherin House espouses many views that most would consider distasteful, the appropriate response to them is not a "+12 Crotchpunch of Reality Re-Assessment".

98. Ms. Patil, Professor Snape does not suffer from cranial-rectal inversion, and he would appreciate it if you no longer distributed copies of your manifesto asserting otherwise.

99. Mister Weasley, I don't know who convinced you of this, but Mail-owls do not make 'Owl-Chocolate'. DO NOT PUT ANYTHING THEY PRODUCE IN YOUR MOUTH!

100. Mr. Potter, Fawkes is not 'a great dirty pervert of a bird'. And no, I don't want to know why you believe that.

101. Mr. Potter, I did not want to know why!

102. On a related note, Fawkes is a great dirty pervert of a bird. And no, I will not explain why I believe that.

103. Mister Longbottom, it is inappropriate to refer to the First Years as "Fluffy Chow".

104. Mister Jordan, novelty contraceptives are NOT a requirement in any class. Stop telling the younger years that!

105. Mr. Thomas, there is indeed a spoon. Don't be stupid.

106. Mr. Potter, while amusing, it is inappropriate to have the House Elves reenact any skit from Monty Python. On a related note, witches do not weigh the same as a duck. Asserting otherwise is ludicrous.

107. Professor McGonagall does not cough up hairballs, and does not appreciate being asked; she only had something caught in her throat.

108. Mr. Weasley, Professor Flitwick was a dueling champion for seven years in a row. Holding his wand above your head and laughing was a poor choice of actions, and you should be grateful that your knees will, eventually, heal.

109. Mr. Thomas, your nickname is not 'John'. Stop insisting that it is.

110. Mr. Potter, you are not permitted to pretend to 'Accio brain!' on Mr. Malfoy, and then act unsurprised when nothing happens.


End file.
